last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
