I CAN MOONWALK!
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
