am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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