now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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