I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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