I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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