some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
