You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
