My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
