my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
