just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
