sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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