i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
