I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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