Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just puked most of my soul out..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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