Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
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