Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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