In the future we'll all be gay
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
