dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
