just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
