remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
