Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
