Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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