Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
