arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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