her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This baby is an asshole
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
