Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
