easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
