i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
