K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
