you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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