I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
