Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
