She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
