FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we made out on top of his cat.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
