i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
