I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
True strength comes from lack of pants
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
