i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
