Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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