I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
