Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
