"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
