get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
