So drunk its hurt
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
