I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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