she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
