I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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