I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
