my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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