I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
